Angry

I prayed for the first time in about a month earlier today. I know that sounds like I'm awful, especially considering the fact that I just went through pre-marital counseling, where we prayed at the beginning, and I've been attending small group, where we pray at the end, and I haven't missed a church service, where we pray multiple times. In spite of all that public prayer, I prayed for the first time in a long time today. Here's why:

I'm having a baby, either in February or March of next year.

Now, I know that seems like a very odd reason to stop praying, and it is. I should have been overjoyed when I found out, and thanking God for the opportunity, and asking for guidance. But, the timing is all wrong. I just had to reschedule my wedding (which was last Friday) because of this. My husband isn't out of school yet, and won't graduate until the baby is three months old. The plan was, Andrew graduates, gets a real job, we spend a year or so saving up money, and then I get pregnant. My American dream of a family and white picket fence comes true, and everyone's happy.

But, as is the case most of the time in life, my timing is not God's timing. But, that doesn't mean that I've been ok with that explanation. I have dreams, things I want to pursue in my life, and now I won't get the chance to do them. Or at least that's not what I thought to myself after the initial terrified excitement that comes with finding out you're going to be a mother wears off. I really hate to say it, but I've resented my situation, and God's plan, for a while. I've shut myself off from God, from reading his word and talking to him. I guess I saw it as 'punishing' him for putting me in this situation right now in my life, which is ridiculous to think about, because I've been miserable in the process.

Today, however, I broke down. I just couldn't take the distance anymore, and so I just started talking to him. After that long of a break, I wasn't sure how to start, so I just dove right in. This is about how the conversation went:

Me: "So, I haven't talked to you in a while. Hey, God, what's up? I'm not ready for this. I'm actually terrified, and scared, and even a little bit angry. I have no reason to be angry, and I know it's irrational, but I am. And I feel terrible for it too. I shouldn't be angry about becoming a mother. I shouldn't resent my child. I'm trying really hard not to, but this just doesn't seem fair. {Cue waterworks here; I always cry when I feel like things aren't fair.} I'm just not ready. I'm scared, not just of being a mother, but because I'm such a selfish person. I mean, it takes me so long just to get myself up and around, and how do you expect me to do that with a baby, too? I haven't even figured myself out yet, and you can't really expect me to raise a child and show them how to live when I'm not even totally grown up myself! And, now I have to give up all my dreams. All the thoughts I'd ever had about pursuing art, or fashion design, or music, or anything else are out the window, and I have to revolve around this little kid now. Granted, I might have never achieved those dreams anyways, since I'm too much of a wuss to go after them, but now I'll never get the chance. What kind of mother will that make me, to raise my child to believe that they can achieve anything they want if they just work hard enough and go after their goals? I'd be a total hypocrite, and my kid would totally figure that out when they hit their teenage years and realize I've never gone after my dreams. Why do I have to give up all this? I don't even want to do anything around the house or anywhere else now."

God: "It doesn't have to be that way."

So, there was my answer, and I was stuck in my living room with the realization that I was being stupid and immature about the whole thing. I'd love to say it was an inspirational moment, but in all honesty, I was just humbled. I had just been given the revelation that my life wasn't over, I still have about 6 months before I have a baby, and sitting around feeling sorry for myself was simply a self-fulfilling prophecy. I could wallow in pity, or be thankful and excited, and use the time I have to do great things for God. And, it's not like I wouldn't have the chance to pursue hobbies and such after the child has grown up a little bit, and maybe even while he/she is in school.

After that, I got out of my chair and cleaned my living room, something I've been putting off for a long time. Later tonight, I might pull out my sketchbook, something else I've been ignoring.

I would love to wrap up this post with a nice little anecdote or moral, but I don't really have one. I just wanted to share with all of you that I haven't been doing as wonderful as I let on (except for getting married, which was, and is, AWESOME!), but I'm working through it with God's help. I would appreciate any prayers you could send my way, and hopefully, as I make myself get up and around, I'll be inspired to write more soon.