This post is going to be a 'soapbox' post. It is partly fact, partly my opinion, and it may even come across as preach-y at a lot of points. However, I heard something on the radio that just stinkin' bothered me.
What I heard is this: on 104.9 (our local alternative station), the DJ mentioned a survey that was just released with this information: around 76% of Americans today would call themselves Christians, which is the lowest percentage in the past 20 years. 1% of Americans call themselves agnostics, and 1% call themselves atheists. I am still debating in my mind whether or not I find this to be a bad thing. After I heard the percentages and such, the DJ suggested people could call in and discuss what they thought of this information, and during the next couple songs that were played, I had an imaginary conversation with said DJ and told him exactly what I thought. After that, I seriously considered calling in and actually telling him everything I'd already said (to my imaginary audience, of course), but then talked myself out of it. I tend to stutter and repeat myself on the phone, and would probably have sounded like a fool, or at least that was my rationale for not picking up the phone. Then, I just got too absorbed in listening to what another caller had to say, and some of it broke my heart. A young lady called in and essentially said this (and if that girl ever ends up reading this post, I apologize in advance for paraphrasing her):
"Yeah, about that survey, I'm not totally convinced that it's accurate. I mean, most surveys aren't, and depending on who hosted it, it can tend to show the agenda of that host in those numbers. I'm pretty sure that there's probably less than 76% of the population that are Christians. I realize that number is still the lowest it's been in a while, but I don't think even that much are really Christians. Sure, there are a lot of people that would claim religious affiliation of some kind, but look at them. A lot of those people that claim that label are NOT Christians, and you can tell by how they act. All you have to do is just look around to see that."
Now, I'm sure this girl and I wouldn't see eye to eye on religious matters. I'm sure, just from the tone she was speaking in, that she is a part of America that does not call itself a Christian. However, I could not agree with her more. This social change that is coming about in America probably has a lot of factors, whether it's the media's perception, the financial recession, or the widespread opinion that Christians are hypocrites. But, the falling numbers are also a call for those who really believe and are committed to living as Jesus did to step things up a notch. It's a call to break out of complacency and preconceptions into showing the world what Christ really came to accomplish. It's a call for the church to come back to doing things the way the believers did them in Acts. And part of that is living the life, not out of fear that God will smite us if we don't, but because we are called to be set apart, to be ambassadors in this world that now more than ever needs to know the intense love and hope of Jesus.
One of my close friends is going through a complicated time in her life (with a strength I am envious of, might I add), and the man she was dating honestly didn't help in that situation. She's currently six months pregnant with his baby, and was very committed to trying to make their family work. I got to hear a lot of painful phone conversations she had to go through with him, all of them echoing the same theme. He had become disengaged, and treated his friends and his own comfort as if they were the most important things in his life. He would tell my friend that she and the baby meant the world to him, that they were the most important thing in his life, and that he loved them more than anything. Then, he would go out to the bar with his friends, and blow off any plans with her that he had previously made. Or, he would make other plans, and then make her wait for six or seven hours before he actually showed up to follow through. She would have talks with him, explaining that things needed to change, and that she wasn't being treated with the love and respect that he claimed to have for her. He wasn't treating her like his girlfriend, and if that kept up, he wouldn't have a girlfriend to worry about anymore. He would miss out on the chance for them to raise their child together. He would listen, sometimes silently, sometimes with arguments, and things would go back to the way they were. He didn't want to change, and she had enough love for him that she wanted to wait for him to see what he was doing was not ok. She wanted him to step up and be a father. But, finally, she let him know this, right before she decided she was done: you can't say you love something and not make it a priority. You can't say something is important and then treat it like it's nothing. It doesn't matter how many times you say something, your actions show what your heart really believes.
That last sentence is a very true statement, and not just for romantic relationships. It's a huge call-out to all those who wish to really follow Christ and show him to the world. It's a big responsibility, one that I know I'm not fulfilling in my own life. For me, it's a call to service, to go out and really help people find hope and acceptance. For everyone, it's a call to get our priorities straight. I have said on various occasions to a handful of people the same thing over and over: I have a hard time calling people Christians when I see them driving their overpriced car (or personal helicopter, in some cases), when I see them acting like they are better than the other people around them, when I know they are claiming the name of a man that ate dinner on a regular basis with hookers and thieves, and that preached that you should not store up your treasures on earth. I'm sure according to the examples of a lot of 'christians' in this country, most people get the impression that Jesus would have voted Republican, hated gays, and drove a Prius. I almost wonder if the falling percentage of people claiming the Christian label is due to this recession, and the fact that they're missing out on all those material things they've come to treasure. There are too many evangelicals out there that have claimed that if you do A, B, and C, and make God happy, that he will shower you with all the wealth and things that you want. Now that they're not getting those things, that must mean God isn't relevant in their lives anymore. Now, bear in mind, a lot of what I just said is simply my opinion.
All I know is, this information about falling percentages, and the response of the public in calling American Christians fake (in so many words), should be a wake up call to us all, that we should be finding ways to show our faith, instead of just claiming some label. I actually sound like a total hypocrite to myself, since I'm safe and comfortable on my couch right now, rather than out feeding the hungry and befriending the friend-less. My prayer for myself, and for other Christians, is that we learn how to show the world what the term "follower of Christ" really means. My prayer is that the world stops hating Christians because they're so-called 'hypocrites,' and starts forming a new opinion, whether positive or negative, based on the true, passion-filled, genuine lives we lead.
Friday, October 9, 2009
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Angry
I prayed for the first time in about a month earlier today. I know that sounds like I'm awful, especially considering the fact that I just went through pre-marital counseling, where we prayed at the beginning, and I've been attending small group, where we pray at the end, and I haven't missed a church service, where we pray multiple times. In spite of all that public prayer, I prayed for the first time in a long time today. Here's why:
I'm having a baby, either in February or March of next year.
Now, I know that seems like a very odd reason to stop praying, and it is. I should have been overjoyed when I found out, and thanking God for the opportunity, and asking for guidance. But, the timing is all wrong. I just had to reschedule my wedding (which was last Friday) because of this. My husband isn't out of school yet, and won't graduate until the baby is three months old. The plan was, Andrew graduates, gets a real job, we spend a year or so saving up money, and then I get pregnant. My American dream of a family and white picket fence comes true, and everyone's happy.
But, as is the case most of the time in life, my timing is not God's timing. But, that doesn't mean that I've been ok with that explanation. I have dreams, things I want to pursue in my life, and now I won't get the chance to do them. Or at least that's not what I thought to myself after the initial terrified excitement that comes with finding out you're going to be a mother wears off. I really hate to say it, but I've resented my situation, and God's plan, for a while. I've shut myself off from God, from reading his word and talking to him. I guess I saw it as 'punishing' him for putting me in this situation right now in my life, which is ridiculous to think about, because I've been miserable in the process.
Today, however, I broke down. I just couldn't take the distance anymore, and so I just started talking to him. After that long of a break, I wasn't sure how to start, so I just dove right in. This is about how the conversation went:
Me: "So, I haven't talked to you in a while. Hey, God, what's up? I'm not ready for this. I'm actually terrified, and scared, and even a little bit angry. I have no reason to be angry, and I know it's irrational, but I am. And I feel terrible for it too. I shouldn't be angry about becoming a mother. I shouldn't resent my child. I'm trying really hard not to, but this just doesn't seem fair. {Cue waterworks here; I always cry when I feel like things aren't fair.} I'm just not ready. I'm scared, not just of being a mother, but because I'm such a selfish person. I mean, it takes me so long just to get myself up and around, and how do you expect me to do that with a baby, too? I haven't even figured myself out yet, and you can't really expect me to raise a child and show them how to live when I'm not even totally grown up myself! And, now I have to give up all my dreams. All the thoughts I'd ever had about pursuing art, or fashion design, or music, or anything else are out the window, and I have to revolve around this little kid now. Granted, I might have never achieved those dreams anyways, since I'm too much of a wuss to go after them, but now I'll never get the chance. What kind of mother will that make me, to raise my child to believe that they can achieve anything they want if they just work hard enough and go after their goals? I'd be a total hypocrite, and my kid would totally figure that out when they hit their teenage years and realize I've never gone after my dreams. Why do I have to give up all this? I don't even want to do anything around the house or anywhere else now."
God: "It doesn't have to be that way."
So, there was my answer, and I was stuck in my living room with the realization that I was being stupid and immature about the whole thing. I'd love to say it was an inspirational moment, but in all honesty, I was just humbled. I had just been given the revelation that my life wasn't over, I still have about 6 months before I have a baby, and sitting around feeling sorry for myself was simply a self-fulfilling prophecy. I could wallow in pity, or be thankful and excited, and use the time I have to do great things for God. And, it's not like I wouldn't have the chance to pursue hobbies and such after the child has grown up a little bit, and maybe even while he/she is in school.
After that, I got out of my chair and cleaned my living room, something I've been putting off for a long time. Later tonight, I might pull out my sketchbook, something else I've been ignoring.
I would love to wrap up this post with a nice little anecdote or moral, but I don't really have one. I just wanted to share with all of you that I haven't been doing as wonderful as I let on (except for getting married, which was, and is, AWESOME!), but I'm working through it with God's help. I would appreciate any prayers you could send my way, and hopefully, as I make myself get up and around, I'll be inspired to write more soon.
I'm having a baby, either in February or March of next year.
Now, I know that seems like a very odd reason to stop praying, and it is. I should have been overjoyed when I found out, and thanking God for the opportunity, and asking for guidance. But, the timing is all wrong. I just had to reschedule my wedding (which was last Friday) because of this. My husband isn't out of school yet, and won't graduate until the baby is three months old. The plan was, Andrew graduates, gets a real job, we spend a year or so saving up money, and then I get pregnant. My American dream of a family and white picket fence comes true, and everyone's happy.
But, as is the case most of the time in life, my timing is not God's timing. But, that doesn't mean that I've been ok with that explanation. I have dreams, things I want to pursue in my life, and now I won't get the chance to do them. Or at least that's not what I thought to myself after the initial terrified excitement that comes with finding out you're going to be a mother wears off. I really hate to say it, but I've resented my situation, and God's plan, for a while. I've shut myself off from God, from reading his word and talking to him. I guess I saw it as 'punishing' him for putting me in this situation right now in my life, which is ridiculous to think about, because I've been miserable in the process.
Today, however, I broke down. I just couldn't take the distance anymore, and so I just started talking to him. After that long of a break, I wasn't sure how to start, so I just dove right in. This is about how the conversation went:
Me: "So, I haven't talked to you in a while. Hey, God, what's up? I'm not ready for this. I'm actually terrified, and scared, and even a little bit angry. I have no reason to be angry, and I know it's irrational, but I am. And I feel terrible for it too. I shouldn't be angry about becoming a mother. I shouldn't resent my child. I'm trying really hard not to, but this just doesn't seem fair. {Cue waterworks here; I always cry when I feel like things aren't fair.} I'm just not ready. I'm scared, not just of being a mother, but because I'm such a selfish person. I mean, it takes me so long just to get myself up and around, and how do you expect me to do that with a baby, too? I haven't even figured myself out yet, and you can't really expect me to raise a child and show them how to live when I'm not even totally grown up myself! And, now I have to give up all my dreams. All the thoughts I'd ever had about pursuing art, or fashion design, or music, or anything else are out the window, and I have to revolve around this little kid now. Granted, I might have never achieved those dreams anyways, since I'm too much of a wuss to go after them, but now I'll never get the chance. What kind of mother will that make me, to raise my child to believe that they can achieve anything they want if they just work hard enough and go after their goals? I'd be a total hypocrite, and my kid would totally figure that out when they hit their teenage years and realize I've never gone after my dreams. Why do I have to give up all this? I don't even want to do anything around the house or anywhere else now."
God: "It doesn't have to be that way."
So, there was my answer, and I was stuck in my living room with the realization that I was being stupid and immature about the whole thing. I'd love to say it was an inspirational moment, but in all honesty, I was just humbled. I had just been given the revelation that my life wasn't over, I still have about 6 months before I have a baby, and sitting around feeling sorry for myself was simply a self-fulfilling prophecy. I could wallow in pity, or be thankful and excited, and use the time I have to do great things for God. And, it's not like I wouldn't have the chance to pursue hobbies and such after the child has grown up a little bit, and maybe even while he/she is in school.
After that, I got out of my chair and cleaned my living room, something I've been putting off for a long time. Later tonight, I might pull out my sketchbook, something else I've been ignoring.
I would love to wrap up this post with a nice little anecdote or moral, but I don't really have one. I just wanted to share with all of you that I haven't been doing as wonderful as I let on (except for getting married, which was, and is, AWESOME!), but I'm working through it with God's help. I would appreciate any prayers you could send my way, and hopefully, as I make myself get up and around, I'll be inspired to write more soon.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
3 Pages
I got to work an hour early today, but not on purpose. I thought we opened at the same time on Saturdays, and it turns out, we actually open an hour later. While I was waiting on someone to unlock the restaurant, I had some free time to write, and I would like to share with all of you three pages from this morning's writings.
Page 1: (written after I had spent 1/2 an hour watching the cars go by on Dickson)
I love people watching. I'm not entirely sure why but I think it has to do with the fact that everyone I see has a story. Each person I come into contact with has been born, had a childhood, had their first real crush, and is not that different from myself. They might drive a fancy car, or dye their hair blue, or prefer tea over coffee, but underneath all those external differences, they are all just people. A lot of them have the same fears and insecurities as the rest of the people in the world. Some just have enough money, or charm, or charisma to cover up those insecurities. Most people are afraid of being alone (which makes sense, because humans were designed to be relational beings). That fear will drive people to find a social group they can fit into, whether it be intellectual, nerd, goth, or even "Christian." I use the quotation marks to clarify the difference between those people who call themselves "Christians" and go to church on Sunday simply to fulfill a social obligation rather than those people who genuinely claim the name of Christ. I used to be one of those people: all my friends were from church, so I had to agree with their apologetics. I had all the right answers in Sunday School, I could sing a lot of hymns from memory, and I could even quote the entire book of James. An yet, i didn't believe it. I wanted to go out and drink, and party, and be "cool," but since my parents wouldn't let me, and my friends wouldn't want to do any of that, I never got the chance to be wild until I moved out. The point of all this is:
People will always try to find companionship by segregating themselves into different groups. That sucks, because people are just people. They all have their own stories and similarities.
Page 2: (after some contemplation about myself, and written to God)
I asked for time with You, and now I have it,
and yet I don't know what to say.
Should I apologize for all I've done,
in an effort to gain grace?
I know that vying for your favor
does nothing for the debt you've paid
and yet I sometimes struggle with
just how freely I was saved.
I still screw up from time to time,
and I know it's not just me,
but what is it in our nature
that makes us try to hide what you have seen?
My disappointments simply mean
I'm still human, saved by you,
and yet my failures keep stacking up,
as my conquests continue to be few.
I gave my life to follow you
and yet I'm still in the same place,
afraid to move away from
where I'm comfortable and safe.
It's still outside my comfort zone
to share your words with those around,
even though the charge you've given me is
to speak so that the lost are found.
I know that my desire to help
shows my seed-sized faith,
yet sometimes there are times I think
my fear keeps mountains into place.
(I don't want fame or recognition, I'm just tired of doing nothing.)
Page 3: (an answer from God, after praying for some guidance. This is one of those answers that I heard as something outside of my own mind. It's a portion of the guidance I've been looking for.)
"You don't have to go to far away places to be a missionary. You can do that right here in Fayetteville."
Fayetteville is my mission field. Now, what's the next step? (Oh, and quit being scared! If God is for you, who can be against you?)
Page 1: (written after I had spent 1/2 an hour watching the cars go by on Dickson)
I love people watching. I'm not entirely sure why but I think it has to do with the fact that everyone I see has a story. Each person I come into contact with has been born, had a childhood, had their first real crush, and is not that different from myself. They might drive a fancy car, or dye their hair blue, or prefer tea over coffee, but underneath all those external differences, they are all just people. A lot of them have the same fears and insecurities as the rest of the people in the world. Some just have enough money, or charm, or charisma to cover up those insecurities. Most people are afraid of being alone (which makes sense, because humans were designed to be relational beings). That fear will drive people to find a social group they can fit into, whether it be intellectual, nerd, goth, or even "Christian." I use the quotation marks to clarify the difference between those people who call themselves "Christians" and go to church on Sunday simply to fulfill a social obligation rather than those people who genuinely claim the name of Christ. I used to be one of those people: all my friends were from church, so I had to agree with their apologetics. I had all the right answers in Sunday School, I could sing a lot of hymns from memory, and I could even quote the entire book of James. An yet, i didn't believe it. I wanted to go out and drink, and party, and be "cool," but since my parents wouldn't let me, and my friends wouldn't want to do any of that, I never got the chance to be wild until I moved out. The point of all this is:
People will always try to find companionship by segregating themselves into different groups. That sucks, because people are just people. They all have their own stories and similarities.
Page 2: (after some contemplation about myself, and written to God)
I asked for time with You, and now I have it,
and yet I don't know what to say.
Should I apologize for all I've done,
in an effort to gain grace?
I know that vying for your favor
does nothing for the debt you've paid
and yet I sometimes struggle with
just how freely I was saved.
I still screw up from time to time,
and I know it's not just me,
but what is it in our nature
that makes us try to hide what you have seen?
My disappointments simply mean
I'm still human, saved by you,
and yet my failures keep stacking up,
as my conquests continue to be few.
I gave my life to follow you
and yet I'm still in the same place,
afraid to move away from
where I'm comfortable and safe.
It's still outside my comfort zone
to share your words with those around,
even though the charge you've given me is
to speak so that the lost are found.
I know that my desire to help
shows my seed-sized faith,
yet sometimes there are times I think
my fear keeps mountains into place.
(I don't want fame or recognition, I'm just tired of doing nothing.)
Page 3: (an answer from God, after praying for some guidance. This is one of those answers that I heard as something outside of my own mind. It's a portion of the guidance I've been looking for.)
"You don't have to go to far away places to be a missionary. You can do that right here in Fayetteville."
Fayetteville is my mission field. Now, what's the next step? (Oh, and quit being scared! If God is for you, who can be against you?)
Friday, June 19, 2009
Questions
I designed this blog to express my opinion. I wanted to be sure of what I said, and never say anything that wasn't well thought through and rational, all while being passionate. However, I am writing this at 2 AM, while being out with my best friend bar-hopping here in town. This is not the most rational time to be writing. This is when I should be in bed. I mean, I have to work in the morning. But, this is something I won't be able to fall asleep without putting down in print.
I want to know where God wants me.
I want to know, what profession he see's me in that will allow me to bring hope to the most people. I want more than what I have. I am almost in tears, writing that statement, but it's true. I want more than Fayetteville, more than Arkansas, more than the individualistic mindset of the U.S. I want to reach as many people as I can with the hope that Christ offers, and I don't know how to get there.
I know I have been given gifts, whether in my voice, or my experience, or my writing skills, or even the capability of acting. I just don't know how to use them. I know people are generally not supposed to air their complaints, but I am really tired of knowing the steps without knowing the plan.
I am tired of feeling like I am trapped by this responsibility that most people call 'Rent.' I don't actually want to find another job, and not because I'm lazy (because God knows I can tend to stray towards that vice), but because a job gets in the way of what I want to do.
I want to depend on Him for everything I need, but I don't know how.
I want to know where God wants me.
I want to know, what profession he see's me in that will allow me to bring hope to the most people. I want more than what I have. I am almost in tears, writing that statement, but it's true. I want more than Fayetteville, more than Arkansas, more than the individualistic mindset of the U.S. I want to reach as many people as I can with the hope that Christ offers, and I don't know how to get there.
I know I have been given gifts, whether in my voice, or my experience, or my writing skills, or even the capability of acting. I just don't know how to use them. I know people are generally not supposed to air their complaints, but I am really tired of knowing the steps without knowing the plan.
I am tired of feeling like I am trapped by this responsibility that most people call 'Rent.' I don't actually want to find another job, and not because I'm lazy (because God knows I can tend to stray towards that vice), but because a job gets in the way of what I want to do.
I want to depend on Him for everything I need, but I don't know how.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Answers
I'm always suprised when I actually get a straight answer from God. I'm not saying he doesn't speak in suprising ways, but when I stress out over little details in my life, and then complain that God isn't telling me what to do, he has these amazing ways of answering me. Sometimes I don't like the response, but it's always what's best for me, because that's just how God works. He'll take care of me.
For example, I recently decided to start looking for a new job. I hate job hunting, especially now, because it seems like no one is hiring. Even if I do end up getting a call back from the applications I put in, there's the interview process, which I hate even more than looking for a job. I hate the idea that I have to make a person like me right off the bat, in order to start making a living. It's almost easier for me to just say, "Oh well, I can't do it, so I might as well just stay here at the job I have. I might not like it, but it's really a good job, and maybe I'm just not being grateful enough for what I have." However, I know I need a career change. It's not that it's a terrible job, it's just not a healthy environment for me to be in during this stage of my life. I work in a Medical Records department of a residential treatment facility for children who have sexually acted out. In my work, I come across information every day involving what these kids have done, most of them as a result of things that were done to them. It breaks my heart every time someone new is admitted, and as hard as I try not to read the papers in front of me, a single phrase can jump off the page and remind me over and over of the intense depravity of mankind. It's a reality, I know, but it's something that I'm just not prepared to deal with just yet. Later on in life, I'm sure I could come back to this job and excel, but right now, this is simply not the job for me. I've been in prayer, and I've been reading my Bible, asking God if quitting my job is really what he wants me to do, and I just haven't been sure. Even if I quit, there's no guarantee that I'll find another full time job with benefits where I can make the same salary I do here. I've sent applications and resumes, and still have heard nothing, other than one opportunity that is very, very part time (as in, I'd work a couple hours every other week). I was still being moved to leave the position that I have, but with no prospective job in sight. I would have to leave my safe, secure job without a backup, and just hope that God sends me something before I go broke. That's incredibly scary!
So, earlier today, I had sent a text message to my fiance that read, "I know God knows what he's doing, but I really wish he'd let me in on the plan." Then, literally right after that, in my reading today, I came across these verses:
Psalm 127:1-2 "Unless the Lord builds a house, the work of the builders is wasted. Unless the Lord protects a city, guarding it with sentries will do no good. It is useless for you to work so hard from early morning until late at night, anxiously working for food to eat; for God gives rest to his loved ones."
I make more than enough money to live. I do have rent and other utilities, as well as some debts to pay off, but even with all that, I make so much more than what I need. I probably spend around $200-$300 a month just on unneccessaries (I think that's a word!) such as clothes, home decorations, art supplies, and eating out. That's not including my grocery bill, which is normally around $150 every time I go to Wal-Mart (every two weeks), and that's just for me! I work really really hard to get all these things that I don't need, and God's telling me to let go, take a rest, and work to acquire just enough to get by. With all that free time, of course, I'm sure I still need to pursue other goals, such as writing and painting, and other things I'm being called by him to do. I don't like the idea of working just enough to pay bills, and not having that "wiggle room," but I'm positive everything I need will be taken care of in one way or another.
It's time for me to start focusing on more than just work, and stuff, so I can pursue what God really has in store for me. The phrase 'leap of faith' is very over-used, but I'm using it here. Of course, it doesn't qualify as passion if I don't act on what I say, so here's my promise to you guys: I'll be typing up my two week's notice tonight, and it will be turned in tomorrow. I'll keep ya'll posted on what God does after that.
For example, I recently decided to start looking for a new job. I hate job hunting, especially now, because it seems like no one is hiring. Even if I do end up getting a call back from the applications I put in, there's the interview process, which I hate even more than looking for a job. I hate the idea that I have to make a person like me right off the bat, in order to start making a living. It's almost easier for me to just say, "Oh well, I can't do it, so I might as well just stay here at the job I have. I might not like it, but it's really a good job, and maybe I'm just not being grateful enough for what I have." However, I know I need a career change. It's not that it's a terrible job, it's just not a healthy environment for me to be in during this stage of my life. I work in a Medical Records department of a residential treatment facility for children who have sexually acted out. In my work, I come across information every day involving what these kids have done, most of them as a result of things that were done to them. It breaks my heart every time someone new is admitted, and as hard as I try not to read the papers in front of me, a single phrase can jump off the page and remind me over and over of the intense depravity of mankind. It's a reality, I know, but it's something that I'm just not prepared to deal with just yet. Later on in life, I'm sure I could come back to this job and excel, but right now, this is simply not the job for me. I've been in prayer, and I've been reading my Bible, asking God if quitting my job is really what he wants me to do, and I just haven't been sure. Even if I quit, there's no guarantee that I'll find another full time job with benefits where I can make the same salary I do here. I've sent applications and resumes, and still have heard nothing, other than one opportunity that is very, very part time (as in, I'd work a couple hours every other week). I was still being moved to leave the position that I have, but with no prospective job in sight. I would have to leave my safe, secure job without a backup, and just hope that God sends me something before I go broke. That's incredibly scary!
So, earlier today, I had sent a text message to my fiance that read, "I know God knows what he's doing, but I really wish he'd let me in on the plan." Then, literally right after that, in my reading today, I came across these verses:
Psalm 127:1-2 "Unless the Lord builds a house, the work of the builders is wasted. Unless the Lord protects a city, guarding it with sentries will do no good. It is useless for you to work so hard from early morning until late at night, anxiously working for food to eat; for God gives rest to his loved ones."
I make more than enough money to live. I do have rent and other utilities, as well as some debts to pay off, but even with all that, I make so much more than what I need. I probably spend around $200-$300 a month just on unneccessaries (I think that's a word!) such as clothes, home decorations, art supplies, and eating out. That's not including my grocery bill, which is normally around $150 every time I go to Wal-Mart (every two weeks), and that's just for me! I work really really hard to get all these things that I don't need, and God's telling me to let go, take a rest, and work to acquire just enough to get by. With all that free time, of course, I'm sure I still need to pursue other goals, such as writing and painting, and other things I'm being called by him to do. I don't like the idea of working just enough to pay bills, and not having that "wiggle room," but I'm positive everything I need will be taken care of in one way or another.
It's time for me to start focusing on more than just work, and stuff, so I can pursue what God really has in store for me. The phrase 'leap of faith' is very over-used, but I'm using it here. Of course, it doesn't qualify as passion if I don't act on what I say, so here's my promise to you guys: I'll be typing up my two week's notice tonight, and it will be turned in tomorrow. I'll keep ya'll posted on what God does after that.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Stories
There is this song, by Switchfoot, called "Dare You to Move," which has this amazing line that I love. The line is, "maybe redemption has stories to tell." This line really speaks to me, and inspires me every day to do something that I love, which is write. Even when I'm not posting here, I'm writing stories, or poetry, or correcting paperwork to be grammatically correct while I'm at work. The only problem with me writing is that it should be meant for others to read, and also, that your experiences should tie into what you write. I have a lot of things in my life that I could draw from, and a lot of things that I've definately learned a lot from, but there's a problem with writing those down. I regret a lot. I know a lot of it was necessary to bring me where I am today, and I know God was right there next to me while I was going through it, but it's still not something I'm proud of in a lot of cases.
But, I can't keep quiet about those things. My goal in life, even before I came to God, has been to help people, and I've been gifted with a love for writing and literature. It only makes sense that those two things should go together, and that my experiences should be shared in a hope that others can possibly learn from them, or just find peace in the fact that they're not the only ones that have gone through the same things. There was a sermon I listened to this Sunday which totally helped solidify my decision to begin sharing some of these things. I almost feel bad for John, our teaching elder at church that shared this message, because there was one statement he shared that didn't make me very happy. He made eye contact with me right afterwards, and you would have thought that he slapped me in the face at that point. I folded my arms in the middle of the service, and glared at him for the audacity he had to say the very thing I needed to hear. His statement was simply, if we hold off on doing what we're called to do until we think that we're "fixed" enough to help out, we negate the need for Jesus and his redemption. So, basically, John's statement to me, and the rest of the congregation, is that we are redeemed, and that it's time to start acting. It's time for me to share my stories, whether I think I'm ready or not. There's one particular instance, straight from my journal actually, that I'd like to share.
But, I can't keep quiet about those things. My goal in life, even before I came to God, has been to help people, and I've been gifted with a love for writing and literature. It only makes sense that those two things should go together, and that my experiences should be shared in a hope that others can possibly learn from them, or just find peace in the fact that they're not the only ones that have gone through the same things. There was a sermon I listened to this Sunday which totally helped solidify my decision to begin sharing some of these things. I almost feel bad for John, our teaching elder at church that shared this message, because there was one statement he shared that didn't make me very happy. He made eye contact with me right afterwards, and you would have thought that he slapped me in the face at that point. I folded my arms in the middle of the service, and glared at him for the audacity he had to say the very thing I needed to hear. His statement was simply, if we hold off on doing what we're called to do until we think that we're "fixed" enough to help out, we negate the need for Jesus and his redemption. So, basically, John's statement to me, and the rest of the congregation, is that we are redeemed, and that it's time to start acting. It's time for me to share my stories, whether I think I'm ready or not. There's one particular instance, straight from my journal actually, that I'd like to share.
"When I came to God, I was tripping on acid. It was a dose that I hadn’t even wanted, one or two hits that had been slipped into a brownie. I had never made it a habit to take hallucinogens, especially not on nights before I had to work at 10:30 the next day. I had only done acid once before, and it had been a terrifyingly uncomfortable experience. I did not want to trip on that particular night, but I also knew that if I didn’t start thinking positively about it, I would have a ‘bad trip’ and end up having a nightmarish time. So, my roommate at the time walked me to our duplex, all the while talking to me like I was a crazy 5 year old, since she wasn’t feeling anything. She just thought I was really stoned and didn’t know how to handle it, but I definitely knew the difference. I went straight to my room and locked the door. I wasn’t visualizing anything in particular, but the walls looked funny, and the wind outside sounded funny, and I knew that something wasn’t right. I also knew that you are never supposed to sleep when tripping, since the dreams and or nightmares will be worse than the conscious hallucinations. I curled up in my big scary bed anyways, and hid under my big scary comforter, in hopes that laying there would keep anything outside my room, anything bigger and scarier than what was already inside, outside the door. And then, I lay there, and I think I heard something. I say ‘think,’ because I’m still not really sure if I heard something or felt something, but I knew that I had hit bottom in that moment, and I felt God’s sorrow for my situation. I knew that he was asking me what I was doing, and why I was doing it, and I couldn’t answer to him. I knew that I was lost. And so, I cried out to him. I told him I was tired of running, I was tired of breaking the rules on purpose, and I wanted peace. And then, I turned off my light, lay down in bed, and began humming “Amazing Grace” until I fell asleep. And then, I had the most restful, dreamless sleep I had ever experienced. All the running I had done had brought me back into his arms.
My entire life has been running. Actually, I’m going to contradict that statement. My entire life, up to a point, has been spent in the passenger’s seat, trying to find a way to get out of the car. My entire life’s pursuits have been to find a way out of that seat and into a car of my own. I wanted no rules, no restrictions, no one telling me what to do, but my pursuit was different than most rebellious teenager’s. I wanted to run away from everything that could implicate me or expose my secrets to a place where no one knew me and could accept me. I wanted to outrun my reputation as the “weird kid with the weird parents.” I was the unpopular kid in the church youth group, which basically meant that I was the un-coolest person ever. Since in any normal high school, as I imagined it, the Christians were the ones no one liked. I was homeschooled, so my only experience I had with high schools was what I saw on TV and movies. I was the lowest of the low. I was the reject of the rejects. Along with the ‘weird-ness,’ I also had acne. It was something I hated. It made me ugly. All the stars I saw had perfect skin, and therefore were popular and pretty, and yet here I was with these ugly red spots marking me as unworthy of attention. I may have had this slim, shapely body that most girls were probably envious of, but I didn’t acknowledge that. In my head, I was a gangly little weirdo book nerd with small boobs and huge red spots on my face that still showed through the layers of concealer I had plastered on them. I was unattractive, and since I was unattractive, no one could ever love me. Even if a boy had wanted to ask me out, I wasn’t allowed to date. My parents just found millions of ways to get in the way of my potential happiness in my mind. They controlled where I went, who I was friends with, what I wore, what I listened to. I can look back on my teen years now, and see that they were just protecting me, and I’m thankful for points of that protection. I was kept from making a lot of mistakes, but at the price of my being unprepared for life out of the home. All I wanted to do was rebel, and to break every single rule anyone had ever given me."
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Poop
My apartment complex has this one particular rule that I never follow: you have to clean up after your dog. I hate picking up dog poo. It's gross, it's smelly and sticky, and nasty, and even with a bag on my hand, I can't stand the texture of the stuff. So, every time my dog (Penelope Laine) goes number two on the grass outside my door, I look the other way, make sure there's no maintenance guys or conscientious neighbors around, and leave the mess on the lawn. I figure, next time it rains, which seems like all the time this month, it'll dissolve the mess and dissipate it, destroying the evidence. So, today, when I took Penny out, she did her business and as she does so, I hear the voice of my upstairs neighbor from their balcony. Let me describe this neighbor. He is a tall, lanky guy, with a ton of black tattoos all over his shoulders, and he normally wears a pair of Wranglers, held up by a leather belt with a buckle the size of my head, along with a tucked in white wifebeater. So, I hear this guy talking on the phone, and the comment he says to his listening audience that floats down to my already somewhat cranky ears is something to this effect, "aw, now that b---- downstairs isn't even going to f---ing clean up her dog crap, again!" This did not make me happy. I stormed back inside with my puppy, and immediately complained to Andrew, my fiance, about the insensitive comment. I then got ready to go run an errand to Hobby Lobby I had already planned on doing, all the while fuming about the comment. I thought about all the ways the situation could have gone, and came up with witty, biting comments I could have said back rather than just passively letting him insult me like that. The best one I came up with was, in so many words, "How about you shut up, go to the nearest liquor store, get yourself another case of Bud Light, beat your girlfriend and stay the heck out of my business, ya dumb redneck!?!?!" (I know, looking back on it, it's not even that great of an insult.) I was extremely angry at this guy's insensitivity.
Then, as I perused the aisles of Hobby Lobby, looking for felt, canvas, and other such crafty items I needed, I realized I wasn't really mad at the neighbor for his comment. I was mad that he had called me out on my not following the rules. I was irked because he drew attention to my already nagging voice that always shows up in the back of my head that tells me I should suck it up and pick up the poo. The dumpster really is only 100 feet or so from the grass anyways, so I wouldn't even have to carry it that far. Just because it's a rule I don't like doesn't mean I get to ignore it. I don't really like stopping all the way at stop signs, but my personal happiness doesn't really matter to any cop that pulls me over for barrelling through an intersection. Rules are rules, and we are to "give to Caesar what is Caesar's. (Matt. 22:21)" This means that, as long as a rule put in place by man doesn't go against what God has required, we need to follow it.
Then, I thought about it more. I was the insensitive one. I've stepped in dog poo myself on more than one occassion, and it's very inconvenient. If it's so terrible for me, why should I leave a whole new fresh pile of it there for someone else to step in? If I'm supposed to be learning how to "love [my] neighbor as [myself] (Mark 12:31)," shouldn't I practice one of the most disgusting tasks known to me as a way to serve them? Even more than that, how am I being a witness to the change in my life that belief in Jesus brings if I'm disregarding these simple rules? What if my not-so-pleasant neighbor overheard me talking to someone on the phone, as I went on and on about how great church is, and how much about God I'm learning, all the while leaving Penny's mess on the grass? That does nothing more than perpetuate the already prevalent opinion that Christians are hypocrites, and are just as self-centered as anyone else. It makes the hope and love that the Gospels talk about look like nothing more than just a story, rather than a life-changing fact. I'm not saying that my picking up poo would help bring my neighbor to belief, since no one can do that but God, despite my poor witness. But, I could at the very least, try to change his opinion of what a Christian is based on my actions. Needless to say, I'll be carrying a baggie in my pocket from now on, just in case.
Then, as I perused the aisles of Hobby Lobby, looking for felt, canvas, and other such crafty items I needed, I realized I wasn't really mad at the neighbor for his comment. I was mad that he had called me out on my not following the rules. I was irked because he drew attention to my already nagging voice that always shows up in the back of my head that tells me I should suck it up and pick up the poo. The dumpster really is only 100 feet or so from the grass anyways, so I wouldn't even have to carry it that far. Just because it's a rule I don't like doesn't mean I get to ignore it. I don't really like stopping all the way at stop signs, but my personal happiness doesn't really matter to any cop that pulls me over for barrelling through an intersection. Rules are rules, and we are to "give to Caesar what is Caesar's. (Matt. 22:21)" This means that, as long as a rule put in place by man doesn't go against what God has required, we need to follow it.
Then, I thought about it more. I was the insensitive one. I've stepped in dog poo myself on more than one occassion, and it's very inconvenient. If it's so terrible for me, why should I leave a whole new fresh pile of it there for someone else to step in? If I'm supposed to be learning how to "love [my] neighbor as [myself] (Mark 12:31)," shouldn't I practice one of the most disgusting tasks known to me as a way to serve them? Even more than that, how am I being a witness to the change in my life that belief in Jesus brings if I'm disregarding these simple rules? What if my not-so-pleasant neighbor overheard me talking to someone on the phone, as I went on and on about how great church is, and how much about God I'm learning, all the while leaving Penny's mess on the grass? That does nothing more than perpetuate the already prevalent opinion that Christians are hypocrites, and are just as self-centered as anyone else. It makes the hope and love that the Gospels talk about look like nothing more than just a story, rather than a life-changing fact. I'm not saying that my picking up poo would help bring my neighbor to belief, since no one can do that but God, despite my poor witness. But, I could at the very least, try to change his opinion of what a Christian is based on my actions. Needless to say, I'll be carrying a baggie in my pocket from now on, just in case.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Guts
Acts 2:42-47: "All the believers devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching, and to fellowship, and to sharing in meals (including the Lord’s Supper), and to prayer. A deep sense of awe came over them all, and the apostles performed many miraculous signs and wonders. And all the believers met together in one place and shared everything they had. They sold their property and possessions and shared the money with those in need. They worshiped together at the Temple each day, met in homes for the Lord’s Supper, and shared their meals with great joy and generosity—all the while praising God and enjoying the goodwill of all the people. And each day the Lord added to their fellowship those who were being saved."
There's a phrase in this passage that really bothers me. It bothers me to the point that I had to get out of bed (which is very comfortable, by the way) just to write about it. The phrase is: "They worshiped together at the Temple each day." This is an amazing testimony of the courage that can come from the Holy Spirit when you follow God without inhibitions. If you look back to the Gospels, where are the apostles and other believers right after Jesus' crucifixion? They are hiding. They are terrified of being found by the Jewish militants, the ones that killed their leader, and so they stay in this room with all the doors locked, waiting for something to happen. Then, Jesus appears out of nowhere, and gives them all a great speech about how they should not be afraid, and then he breathes on them and says, '“Peace be with you. As the Father has sent me, so I am sending you.” Then he breathed on them and said, “Receive the Holy Spirit. If you forgive anyone’s sins, they are forgiven. If you do not forgive them, they are not forgiven.” (John 20:21-23)' So, they've seen their Savior, realized that death has no power, and are all charged up with the Holy Spirit to go out and testify about great things and take on the world, right? Look at the next couple verses. Thomas isn't there, so he doesn't believe the story the other apostles tell him. Then, around eight days later as the text says, they're all back together in the LOCKED ROOM. Jesus appears AGAIN, proves he's back, and then they all go out and start taking on the world. Wait, I take it back. They go fishing (John 21), returning back to the things that are comfortable and familiar to them, and also to the things that are removed from the city of Jerusalem and all the turmoil that is probably still going on in the religious community. Then, you skip ahead to Acts 2, where the apostles are joined by more believers, where they're meeting in, you guessed it, a LOCKED ROOM. Then, this amazing thing happens. There's this wind, and these tongues of fire, and everyone rushes out and starts proclaiming the truth in languages they don't even naturally speak. There's this awesome unity that comes from all of them testifying together, and they start living in this Utopian harmony most of us don't even know how to imagine. It's a foreign picture that is not usually seen in Christianity today, especially in America. All these believers then start meeting in the Temple every day. This happens to be the same Temple that housed the Jewish leaders that put Jesus to death. It's the veritable 'Lion's Den.' This is where the new believers begin meeting. The doors are unlocked, the windows are open, and everyone is worshiping in harmony in the middle of the most dangerous place a follower of Christ could be. This is such a huge deal to me, I can't believe I've never noticed this in the story before. How many of us, (and I'm talking about myself even more than any of those that might be reading) live in our "safe rooms" on a constant basis. We go to our church, go to our small groups even, talk about God there, and that's it. At work, we try to keep a professional image and might stretch to the point of having an inspirational mug on our desk, but that's the extent of our testimony. In life, we stick to our comfort zones, and never even think about maybe, possibly, stepping into those places where we are scared the most and yet we could do the most good. I'm not saying we should all go start hanging out in biker bars, unless you feel the need to be there, but there has to be that one place where you KNOW you could be a little more outspoken, and maybe help just one more person. It's a practice in being passionate in the most uncomfortable and nerve-wracking of situations. It's a concept that I know I could work on, and am praying to see what God moves me to do, and where he thinks I should go. It's something that I believe every Christian should be praying for, in a hope that with our unashamed testimony, "each day the Lord [can add] to [our] fellowship those who [are] being saved. (Acts 2:47)"
There's a phrase in this passage that really bothers me. It bothers me to the point that I had to get out of bed (which is very comfortable, by the way) just to write about it. The phrase is: "They worshiped together at the Temple each day." This is an amazing testimony of the courage that can come from the Holy Spirit when you follow God without inhibitions. If you look back to the Gospels, where are the apostles and other believers right after Jesus' crucifixion? They are hiding. They are terrified of being found by the Jewish militants, the ones that killed their leader, and so they stay in this room with all the doors locked, waiting for something to happen. Then, Jesus appears out of nowhere, and gives them all a great speech about how they should not be afraid, and then he breathes on them and says, '“Peace be with you. As the Father has sent me, so I am sending you.” Then he breathed on them and said, “Receive the Holy Spirit. If you forgive anyone’s sins, they are forgiven. If you do not forgive them, they are not forgiven.” (John 20:21-23)' So, they've seen their Savior, realized that death has no power, and are all charged up with the Holy Spirit to go out and testify about great things and take on the world, right? Look at the next couple verses. Thomas isn't there, so he doesn't believe the story the other apostles tell him. Then, around eight days later as the text says, they're all back together in the LOCKED ROOM. Jesus appears AGAIN, proves he's back, and then they all go out and start taking on the world. Wait, I take it back. They go fishing (John 21), returning back to the things that are comfortable and familiar to them, and also to the things that are removed from the city of Jerusalem and all the turmoil that is probably still going on in the religious community. Then, you skip ahead to Acts 2, where the apostles are joined by more believers, where they're meeting in, you guessed it, a LOCKED ROOM. Then, this amazing thing happens. There's this wind, and these tongues of fire, and everyone rushes out and starts proclaiming the truth in languages they don't even naturally speak. There's this awesome unity that comes from all of them testifying together, and they start living in this Utopian harmony most of us don't even know how to imagine. It's a foreign picture that is not usually seen in Christianity today, especially in America. All these believers then start meeting in the Temple every day. This happens to be the same Temple that housed the Jewish leaders that put Jesus to death. It's the veritable 'Lion's Den.' This is where the new believers begin meeting. The doors are unlocked, the windows are open, and everyone is worshiping in harmony in the middle of the most dangerous place a follower of Christ could be. This is such a huge deal to me, I can't believe I've never noticed this in the story before. How many of us, (and I'm talking about myself even more than any of those that might be reading) live in our "safe rooms" on a constant basis. We go to our church, go to our small groups even, talk about God there, and that's it. At work, we try to keep a professional image and might stretch to the point of having an inspirational mug on our desk, but that's the extent of our testimony. In life, we stick to our comfort zones, and never even think about maybe, possibly, stepping into those places where we are scared the most and yet we could do the most good. I'm not saying we should all go start hanging out in biker bars, unless you feel the need to be there, but there has to be that one place where you KNOW you could be a little more outspoken, and maybe help just one more person. It's a practice in being passionate in the most uncomfortable and nerve-wracking of situations. It's a concept that I know I could work on, and am praying to see what God moves me to do, and where he thinks I should go. It's something that I believe every Christian should be praying for, in a hope that with our unashamed testimony, "each day the Lord [can add] to [our] fellowship those who [are] being saved. (Acts 2:47)"
Intro: Passion
According to anyone that interacts with me, my blog title does not describe me. I'm a very quiet person who doesn't voice her opinions. For as much as I love people and being around them, I tend to keep to myself. As a kid, and through Junior High and High School, I was the one that would go to the library, check out as many books as was allowed by library rules (which was 15), and have them all read and returned within the two week due date. I was, and am a nerd. I haven't always been O.K. with that either. I didn't like being "the smart kid," the one that turned in her tests 15 minutes before anyone else did, and always got straight A's. Being that person is what makes you unpopular, and I lived for people's approval. It's something that I still struggle with today, even while saying that people's opinions don't matter, and that I should live for God. I tend to be ashamed of my convictions, and even doubt them, not based on their validity, but on how many people could potentially be offended. So, any passions I might have get kept under wraps, just to make others more comfortable.
But, through prayer and constant dissapointment in my timidity, I've realized something that is actually pretty obvious. I should never be ashamed of a God given gift. Not only should I not be ashamed, it is WRONG for me to not use it. For me to do that is like saying, "Hey God, thanks for my brain. It's a great brain, really. It's nice, and shiny and new and wonderful, and really great for forming opinions and stuff. But, couldn't you have given me a little more beauty instead? I mean, the knowledge and potential you gave me is great, but I really think people would like me better if I was just a little more pretty. But, really, thanks!" Anything that I become passionate about should be expressed unashamedly. That's what this blog will be about. It's a way to get me started on expressing issues that I deal with and am excited about. More to come soon!
But, through prayer and constant dissapointment in my timidity, I've realized something that is actually pretty obvious. I should never be ashamed of a God given gift. Not only should I not be ashamed, it is WRONG for me to not use it. For me to do that is like saying, "Hey God, thanks for my brain. It's a great brain, really. It's nice, and shiny and new and wonderful, and really great for forming opinions and stuff. But, couldn't you have given me a little more beauty instead? I mean, the knowledge and potential you gave me is great, but I really think people would like me better if I was just a little more pretty. But, really, thanks!" Anything that I become passionate about should be expressed unashamedly. That's what this blog will be about. It's a way to get me started on expressing issues that I deal with and am excited about. More to come soon!
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